Self sacrifice, a noble deed?
SELF CENTERD
Become aware of your 'altruism'
Do you ever find yourself taking care of other people’s needs and wants, and / or putting your needs last? And then feeling bitter after that?
Or perhaps, taking the higher road and not reacting, not speaking up, not asserting, not expressing disagreement cuz well, that’s virtuous right.
Oh an this one’s a kicker: doing everything for everyone, being everything to everyone, and you don’t even know why, it’s just you on auto-pilot. But you don’t get the appreciation you crave, which leaves you resentful.
I get it, that’s just been your role ever since you remember. Plus, you don’t want to disappoint anyone. You want to be seen as ‘good’, you want to be ‘right’. Maybe you even want to feel useful, or the flip narrative “don’t want to be useless”.
But does it make you happy, content and healthy?
Does it feel satisfying and fulfilling?
Does it add to you being authentically YOU?
If not, then it’s costing you your health, burning out, stretching thin, overriding your own preferences, and feeling increasingly trapped.
Plus I’d argue that it’s downright self-abuse and relating this way is completely dysfunctional.
How to break out of self-sacrificing pattern
1. Support : Work with someone who can help you change – me!
A guide can help you understand why you’re even behaving in such a pattern, where its roots are, and how to heal from that. And as you already know by now, change/transformation and healing need time, co-regulation, guidance and practice.
2. Awareness : Write down your needs, dreams, preferences, desires, wishes, interests, hopes, values, everything!
So you’re clear, and not end up throwing all of these out the window when you feel pressured/stressed/demands placed on you.
3. Accountability : Be responsible for the fact that you did not choose an (adult) life that is in alignment with the above points in #2.
Then take ownership of #2, and make choices that are aligned with all that.
Taking ownership of ourselves
No good really comes out of martyring yourself, or believing that (constantly) putting your needs last is of the highest value.
The worse we feel about ourselves, the more we try to cover it up by ‘make believe’ that we are kind, loving, caring. The noble sufferer.
Often the roots are in childhood, for example you were told that either parent sacrificed their career/life/stayed in the marriage for you. Which causes the poor child to feel like a burden, loaded with guilt and shame. In the first place, the child did not ask to be born!
Don’t put yourself in circumstances where you’ll be purposely persecuted into a victim role. Don’t buy your needs of approval / recognition / praise / acceptance / love from other people by self-sacrifice.
You have choice.
There are other much healthier ways to meet your needs (by yourself and through others!).
You are good. And you have help.
Reach out now.